Thumbs up, let's do this.
5. Don Criqui.
Never heard of him? Well that means CBS is succeeding. He's one of their football announcers. He is at the bottom of the totem pole, but it's not the power bottom. He's awful, and he only calls games when 12 guys call in sick.
Remember my previous post about best announcers? Specifically the part about favorite calls by Musberger. Well, Criqui gave one of the worst calls of all time at the same time Musberger was giving my favorite call.
"This is incredible... Michigan's gonna score..."
The sorrow in his voice is too much. I don't like to laugh at other people's misfortunes, but that one makes me giggle.
4. Joe Buck
"Hello everybody. I'm Joe Buck. I am excited to be here."
Yea, I know about his throat ailment. It restricts his ability to raise his voice. He got this virus in 2011. So I ask you, what was his excuse for being monotone before?
Look, he's okay for baseball. Baseball is a slower game. Come playoff time though, he needs to pump up the intensity. I mean...
That is a disgusting act by Joe Buck...
Click below to see the top(?) 3...
3. Jim Nantz
Pretty much the same problems as Joe Buck. He is unable to get excited when the moment calls for it. He is good at the Masters, very below average at football, and downright atrocious for college basketball. No one seems to notice how bad Jim Nantz is at calling the FInal Four because everyone is distracted by the awful commentary of Clark Kellogg.
I scoured the internet for bad calls made by Nantz, but I couldn't find anything. His terribleness is hidden by Kellogg's ineptness. Let's just say, Kellogg is not Grrrrrrreat!
Nantz did provide us with this:
At the :24 mark, you can tell Nantz is enjoying this too much
2. Ron Pitts.
Oh my, Ron Pitts. I have a personal grudge against Ron Pitts. I dislike him and everything he stood for so much, that when the Lions started playing well, I dedicated my recap to him:
Did you guys stand the cheer the brave today? I sure did. RAH RAH RAH. They did it. 3rd largest comeback in franchise history. Most importantly, they won while not playing their best game.
And with that, I would be remiss if I didn't say goodbye to a colleague, nay, an iconic figure of mid-2000's Lions torture. Throughout these past few up and down years of "Same ol' Lions," there has been one constant: Ron Pitts. For those of you who don't know, Ron is the play-by-play guy for NFL games on Fox. He is also very handsome when he stands next to garbage:
Ron Pitts may be an announcer for a major television network, but he is considered the bottom of the totem pole. Why? He is awful. (Side note: the top of the totem pole, Joe Buck, is also awful. It's a very funny shaped pole) For the last few years, he has been assigned to the least intriguing games, which as many of you know, were Lions games. Sometimes Detroit was lucky enough for the game to be blacked out, so Ron did not have to be heard. But that was infrequent because Lions fans are awesome and rarely came short of a sellout.
I always get excited for Lions games. I try to catch the entire Fox pre-game show, which is the best NFL pre-game show hands down. When the show is over, and they send you out to your game, I always wait in anticipation, asking myself "Who will be calling the game? I hope it's Kenny Albert!" Those few seconds of silence are intense, so you have to imagine my complete deflation when you hear the unexcited, amateur voice of Ron Pitts saying "...welcome to feetball..." or whatever crap he says. I would yell out, "WHY? WHY? WHY?" and then easily answer, "oh, the silly Lions are playing the winless Seahawks."
For years the Lions were at the bottom. The unwanted puppy. The black licorice jelly bean. The son who was "accidentally" lost at Disneyworld. Fox was required to broadcast all NFC games, but they wanted nothing to do with the Lions, like a vegan avoiding a shower with all that man-meat.
But with today's victory, we can safely say that Ron Pitts won't be doing Lions games anytime soon. They were already trending away from Ron Pitts as evidenced by today's appearance of Dick Stockton as the play-by-play guy, but a loss to a poor Vikings team could've damned them to Ron Pitts Purgatory. Now, people are interested in the Lions. They want to watch the Lions. They care. And they don't want to hear Ron Pitts.
R.I.P. Ron Pitts. Have fun doing Vikings and Panthers games.
1. Pam Ward
If you didn't know she would be number 1, our friendship is over.
Michigan football has had to deal with Pam Ward a lot over the years. The great thing about Michigan is that they are a national brand, and people across the country want to watch them play (at least, they did in the 2000's). Before the age of Big Ten Network, there was something called ESPN Plus. Michigan was popular enough to warrant national coverage, but quite honestly, you aren't going to send in your best crew to call a Michigan-Miami(OH) game (or 2002 UM-MSU). So they got stuck with ESPN Plus and Pam Ward a lot. It was one of those negatives you had to take with being a Michigan fan in the 2000's.
However, Michigan fans, YOU'RE IN LUCK!
So yea. Pam Ward, from the bottom of my heart, I'd just like to say to you...